Main Features No 8
Finding Romance on the High Seas.
Trying to find love on a cruise boat in a Finnish reality show series.
Sinkkulaiva promo 1, Magdalena Spiik, http://www.youtube.com and pictures Liv TV, Suomi
And now for something completely different… get your translate page open now as I’m reviewing the Finnish television reality programme, Sinkkulaiva (2013-). Sinkkulaiva or “Single ship” as it is literally translated into English, may sound like a programme about Finnish maritime history after being translated by a random Finnish to English dictionary but it’s not… It is probably one of Finland’s saddest or funniest dating shows depending on your point of view and what company you keep…
Sinkkulaiva’s theme tune sounds suspiciously like an updated disco tune of another famous theme tune about a famous ship. Ironically it’s not the Titanic, which was famously sung about by one of Finnish greatest non Eurovision entrants, Frederik in 1981 who famously compared himself to this ill-fated vessel in a misguided bid to sound sexy. The Sinkkulaiva theme is however sounds like disco theme to The Love Boat (1977-1987). Thankfully Sinkkulaiva’s theme tune is lyric free as possibly the Finnish translation of the lyrics would not fit in the theme tune. For those who don’t remember The Love Boat, the television series told tales set in the infamous ship of romance, intrigue and it starred many a 1970s and 1980s star both before and after they hit it big. The list included Catherine Bach, Kathy Bates, Dirk Benedict. Bill Bixby and Kirstie Alley and even Dr Karl Kennedy from the Australian soap tv series Neighbours (1985- ) turned up in one episode. The Love Boat also had canned laughter which I didn’t remember until I watched the box set on DVD or more likely the canned laughter was blanked from my mind like many kids my age as a traumatic childhood experience.
Anyway, Sinkkulaiva starts by showing a hopeful romantic single Finn and for argument’s sake, lets call him Mikko. Mikko is 37 years old. Please note, Mikko can be replaced by a woman and can be of any age. Although you do feel more depressed as the show progresses dependant on their age, your age and your marital status. Anyway back to the plot, Mikko embarks the overnight ferry from Helsinki to Tallinn, we know this as we watch him do this in detail. This filming is so intrusive you can almost read his passport. Usually this trip to Tallinn takes a few hours. I can’t tell you why it takes all night as never been on this particular crossing but my guess is you are possibly forced at gunpoint not to embark until you have pulled or bought your body weight in the duty-free shop.
Mikko is then filmed on the boat all night and we get the highlights and low points of his love quest all crammed into half an hour of reality television. During this time, we watch him jauntily embark full of optimism and hope and then some details about him are shared on the screen such as his full name, age, marital status, home town, occupation and Mikko’s interests which 8/10 involve ice hockey. It doesn’t give useful information such a if he’s being followed by Interpol but the programme has three advert breaks so you can check this out then. We then cut to his cabin where Mikko proudly shows his pulling gear which for the men is usually a checked shirt for which Dr Christian Jenssen ( or Dr Julian from Supersize vs Superskinny would give his eye teeth for and the same suit which 7/10 Finnish male contestants brought along previously. Unless his suit is a prop hastily altered by the wardrobe department until it wears out. If Mikko was a woman she would be wading through Marimekko clone dresses at this point, while applying her make up gun. Mikko wistfully talks about the Kate
Uptop Upton lookalike he hopes to meet and for the girl its a Thor lookalike, ie Chris Hemsworth.
We then follow then to the bar usually by way of passing the on board duty-free shop. As well as helping Mikko find love, this programme also serves as an advert for a certain ferry chain. So if as normally happens love is not found, at least the Finns will book the boat for an all night drinking experience or to stock up on cheaper alcohol. Once Mikko gets to the bar he goes speed dating or is subjected to Blind Date (1985-2003) Finnish style but without the Finnish our Cilla (Black) compering.
Following this is a short montage of what else the overnight boat trip has to offer, including the Finnish answer to the Chippendales and some very attractive leggy , Estonian girl dancers wearing very wee dresses. Following this is a montage of Mikko chatting up a variety of girls and then we follow him to his cabin. He is normally alone but if he has pulled we cheer and wave Finnish flags like demented Eurovision Song Contest viewers. Here Mikko laments on why he didn’t pull and we watch him disembark alone and unloved. But not to worry there is hope, as they leave boat we get his details again along with a premium rate telephone number flashing up on the screen. Then voiceover in one desperate last attempt to find Ms Right for Mikko tells us how we call up and attempt pull Mikko. The expensive number, I assume is to differentiate between the trolls and the genuine.
Luckily for me, this programme is always however made so much less depressing by darlin’ husband as it can be a bit of a weeper. With my husband’s mock Geordie accent impersonating the British voiceover from the British Big Brother (1985) television series and my darlin’ husband’s random British and European accents he turns it easily into a sketch from the 1990s TV programme EurotrashThis technique is recommended otherwise if I hadn’t been with him I would have sobbed into my pea soup and pancakes and vowed to join a convent.
Weeper Rating: 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 /10
Handsqueeze Rating: 🙂 /10
Bonus Trailer: Yes, Frederik’s Titanic with subtitles