TV… Sinkkulaiva (2013-14)

#2010s #AllPosts

 

Finding romance on the high seas…

 

Trying to find love on a cruise boat in a Finnish reality show series.

 

Sinkkulaiva

Sinkkulaiva

Sinkkulaiva promo 1, Magdalena Spiik and photos © Liv TV, Suomi

 

And now for something completely different… so firstly get your language translate page of your choice open now. I’m reviewing the Finnish television reality programme, Sinkkulaiva (2013-).  The post is on Sinkkulaiva or Single Ship as it is literally translated into English.

Sinkkulaiva may sound like a programme about Finnish maritime history. But after being translated by a random Finnish to English dictionary, it’s not. It is probably one of Finland’s saddest or funniest dating shows depending on your point of view and what company you keep.

It is a dating show with a theme tune that sounds suspiciously like an updated disco tune of another famous theme song about a famous ship. Ironically it’s not the Titanic, which was famously sung about by one of Finnish greatest non-Eurovision entrants, Frederik. Frederik in 1981 famously compared himself to this ill-fated vessel in a misguided bid to sound sexy.

The Sinkkulaiva theme sounds like a disco theme to The Love Boat (1977-1987). Thankfully Sinkkulaiva‘s theme tune is lyric-free, as possibly the Finnish translation of the lyrics would not fit the tune.

For those who don’t remember The Love Boat, this retro television series told tales set in the infamous ship of romance, intrigue and more. It starred many 1970s and 1980s stars both before and after they hit it big. The list included Catherine Bach, Kathy Bates, Dirk Benedict, Bill Bixby and Kirstie Alley to name a few. Even Dr Karl Kennedy from the Australian soap TV series Neighbours (1985- ) turned up in one episode.

The Love Boat also had canned laughter. I didn’t remember this fact until I watched the box set on DVD recently. But more likely the canned laughter was blanked from my mind like many kids my age as a traumatic childhood experience. But back to Sinkkulaiva…

Sinkkulaiva starts by showing a hopeful and romantic single Finn and for argument’s sake, let’s call him Mikko. Mikko is 37 years old. Please note, that Mikko can be replaced by a woman and can be of any age. However, you do feel more depressed as the show progresses depending on the contestant’s age, your age and your marital status.

Back to the plot. Mikko embarks on the overnight ferry from Helsinki to Tallinn, we know this as we watch him do this in great (read, too much) detail. This filming is so intrusive you can almost read his passport. Usually, this trip to Tallinn takes a few hours. As does this scene, which may have been shown in real time.

I can’t tell you why this trip takes all night as I’ve never been on this particular crossing. But my guess is you are possibly forced at gunpoint not to embark until you have pulled someone or have bought your body weight of booze and other goods in the duty-free shop.

Mikko is then filmed on the boat, all night long. We the viewers, get the highlights and low points of his love quest all crammed into half an hour of reality television. During this time, we watch him jauntily embark on the ship, full of optimism and hope.

Then some details about him are shared on the screen. These include his full name, age, marital status, home town, occupation and Mikko’s interests. His interests in 8/10 cases involve ice hockey. It doesn’t give useful information such as if he’s being followed by Interpol but the programme has three advert breaks, so you can check this out then.

We then cut to his cabin where Mikko proudly shows his pulling gear. For the men is usually a checked cheesecloth shirt for which Dr Christian Jessen (or Dr Julian Sands from Supersize vs Superskinny would give his eye teeth). He adds the same suit which 7/10 Finnish male contestants brought along previously. Unless this suit is a prop hastily altered by the wardrobe department until it wears out or the end of the series, whichever comes first.

If Mikko was a woman she would wade through Marimekko clone dresses at this point and then apply her make-up gun. Mikko wistfully talks about the Kate Uptop Upton lookalike he hopes to meet and for the girls, it’s always a Thor lookalike, ie Chris Hemsworth.

We then follow them to the bar usually by way of passing the onboard duty-free shop. As well as helping Mikko find love, this programme also serves as an advert for a certain ferry chain. If as normally happens love is not found, at least the Finns will book the boat for an all-night drinking experience or to stock up on much cheaper alcohol.

Once Mikko gets to the bar he goes speed dating or is subjected to Blind Date (1985-2003) Finnish style. But without the Finnish equivalent of our Cilla (Black) compering. Following this is a short montage of what else the overnight boat trip has to offer. This includes the Finnish answer to the Chippendales and some very attractive and very leggy, Estonian girl dancers wearing very wee dresses.

Following this is a montage of Mikko chatting up a variety of girls and then we follow him to his cabin. He is normally alone but if he has pulled we cheer and wave Finnish flags like demented Eurovision Song Contest viewers. Here 9 times out of 10, Mikko laments about why he didn’t pull and we watch him disembark alone and unloved.

But not to worry as there is hope, as when he leaves the boat we get his personal details again. This is along with a premium rate telephone number that flashes up on the screen. Then a voice-over – in one desperate last attempt to find Ms Right for Mikko – tells us how we can call up and attempt to pull Mikko for ourselves. The expensive number, I assume is to differentiate between the trolls and the genuine.

Luckily for me, this programme is always made so much less depressing by Darlin Husband. It can obviously be a bit of a weeper. Yet Darlin Husband’s mock Geordie accent impersonates the British voiceover from the Big Brother (1985) television series and riffs this show making it considerably less depressing.

By using random British and European accents he turns it easily into a sketch from the 1990s TV programme Eurotrash. This technique of watching this show is recommended. Otherwise, if I had been watching this as a singleton, I would have sobbed into my pea soup and pancakes and vowed to join a convent.

 

Weeper Rating:  😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦  /10

Handsqueeze Rating: 🙂 /10

Hulk Rating:  ‎/10

 

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Non-English Blogathon 2018, No 39

This post was added to the Thoughts of All Sorts Non-English Blogathon.

• I have also reviewed Jos Rakastat, a Finnish movie and the Finnish TV Series Au Pairit.
• Other foreign language films reviewed here include Incubus, Purple Noon / Plein Soleil / Talented Mr Ripley, La Piscine and Good Bye Lenin!

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