FILMS… Ted (2012)

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Talking Ted…

 

The bromance of a man and his teddy bear, with adult humour.

 

Mark Wahlberg

Ted

Ted Trailer, Ted and photos © Universal Studios

 

If you are sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin. The story of Ted (2012) begins in 1985, telling the story in a fairytale style with an occasional twist of randomness. It’s narrated by Patrick Stewart (his voice was recognised by Darlin Husband) and tells about the young John Bennett. John is an only child, friendless with not only the bullies disliking him, but he is also hated by their victims.

John’s dearest wish is to have a best friend (sob). On Christmas morning when his friends get supercool pressies, he gets a teddy bear which he adores just as much. He then wishes he and his teddy could be best friends forever. In Stewart’s narration, he jokes that most boys would want an Apache helicopter.

As John wishes, a shooting star flies soars through the sky. He wakes up to find his teddy bear is alive. His teddy is seen as a walking, talking miracle by his family and then by the world as the teddy – now named Ted – becomes a celebrity.

We then flash forward to the present, where the script and plot become more random. But then what do you expect from the co-writer of this piece, Seth MacFarlane. MacFarlane is also the writer of A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) and Family Guy (1999-).

John has grown into a man (Marky Mark Wahlberg) and is in a relationship with Lori (Mila Kunis). He is still best friends with Ted (voiced by MacFarlane), who is no longer famous, and they are as inseparable as Chewie and Hans Solo. John works in a garage and his boss fears this attitude. He believes a friendship with actor Tom Skerritt – from Alien (1979) or Top Gun (1986) – would be of benefit to him.

John states it is his 4th anniversary of dating Lori, the next day. He wants to celebrate with her in style. The men in his life – including Ted – advise against proposing. So he doesn’t and gives her earrings. Lori, however, has obviously hoped for a proposal, especially after that romantic speech and the size of the present.

She feels Ted should move out of their apartment and after the shit hits the fan – or in this case floor – at home. Ted moves out and gets a job working in a store, where he falls in love with a checkout girl named Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth).

During a walk in the park with John, Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) approaches them and asks to buy Ted for his overweight son. Donny stresses menacingly and urgently, that his son gets everything he wants leaving us to fear for Ted, as he starts to stalk him.

After Ted moves out, John and Ted continue to spend all their days together with John making excuses to leave work early to hang out with him. Lori and John then attend a party run by Lori’s pretentious slimy boss – who has designs on Lori – when Ted calls John. He says the actor Sam J. Jones – who played John’s film hero Flash Gordon – is attending his party.

John excitedly leaves for a short time to meet his hero. When John meets his hero, Jones we get a montage of this showing this as one of the coolest bromances ever. Lori of course finds out thanks to the slimy boss, who also has a thing for Tom Skerritt. As you do. Lori then confronts John about him leaving her boss’s party and they break up…

The film has an excellent musical score showing Seth MacFarlane’s great love for the musicals often seen in Family Guy episodes. There are also many 1980s soundtrack references in the musical score. At appropriate times in the story, you will hear Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1984) and Flash Gordon (1980) movie themes.

MacFarlane’s love for the 1980s doesn’t stop there. Many more familiar memories come to mind such as his references to more movies, notably Flash Gordon but also Aliens (1986), TV series such as Cheers (1982-93) and Diff’rent Strokes (1978-86), soundtracks such as the Octopussy (1983) title theme, celebrities such as Ted Danson and even toys – remember those rocking horses with wigs – lead to a knowing glances between me and Darlin Husband. MacFarlane gently mocks them on the borderline of not being too offensive, but at a level, that 1980s aficionados would understand and find amusing.

The montages are fantastic and I’d argue again that the best featuring Sam J. Jones reprising his Flash Gordon role, with Wahlberg along for the ride is perfect from start to finish. There are a few blink and miss non-talking cameos – one of which has already been mentioned at least once in the review. The other is playing in a recently released superhero film that I may have reviewed already.

MacFarlane also shows an insightful – or is it down to personal experience? – journey into the female mind. This is with the scene where Lori hopes for a marriage proposal (which was a funny yet painful reminder for hopeful girls everywhere on anniversaries). There are a few references to Bridget Jones in Lori and John’s break up (I for one did wallow in Helen Fielding inspired films at one point in a similar situation).

Anyway, I recommend this film as one of the most unusual ones in the bromance genre, with this friendship between a man and his teddy bear. It’s also a nostalgic one to watch for those of us who remember and were brought up in the 1980s. I recommend watching the Flash Gordon film first, to spot the many, many homages to this film littered throughout the movie.

The film also made me wonder if this is the ending that MacFarlane would have added to A.I. Artificial Intelligence. This was the sci-fi film where Haley Joel Osment is a robot boy also with a teddy. This robot wants to be a real boy and asks the Blue Fairy for this wish.

I suspect that if MacFarlane – not Spielberg – had taken over directing and writing this film it would be with a catch. The catch would be that his teddy bear would have the same voice as Peter Griffin and have the same nuances as Quagmire from Family Guy. Now do try to avoid these two films as double bill, as this might just happen if not in your dreams but because of a shooting star.

However, I would like to stress that  – for one –  would like to think I would be more understanding if my Darlin Husband left a boring party to party with Sam J. Jones. In fact, I would be more upset if he didn’t take me with him. So if you find yourself in this situation where your partner goes to a party with the stars, bear up and just grin and bear it. After all, it’s you who’ll get the bear hug when they come home…

 

Weeper Rating: 😦 😦 😦 😦 /10

Handsqueeze Rating:  🙂  🙂  🙂 🙂 /10

Hulk Rating: ‎ ‎     ‎/10