FILMS… Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)


Not a Guy Ritchie meets the British Soap Opera inspired spin off for EastEnders (surprisingly)…


The plot set tells of a band of young Cockneys saving their grandfather – and his buddies – from the undead of London’s East End.


Cockneys vs Zombies (2012) Trailer, atlanticfilmtrailerS

So the theme for this month, Horror Comedy was selected after the lovely Shannon from Reads & Reels told us her preview choice. You can tune in next week for her entry, as she has the dubious honour of writing our first guest post. So in selecting my choice of preview I chose the movie, Cockneys vs Zombies (2012).

And you can tune in later in the month to hear the choice from the other Reel Quirky Cat.


About the plot…

The film starts with a uniquely British start to this zombie infestation tale with some treasure seekers accidentally opening a secret vault of a now dead British Royal with grisly results. This pair are bitten by zombies, which leads to more and more East End undead as the story continues.

Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy (Harry Treadaway) Maguire – along with cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan) – are planning a bank robbery with some friends to get the funds to stop their grandfather Ray’s nursing home from being demolished. Leading to unexpected results..

Meanwhile, zombies are attacking the nursing home with Ray and his elderly friends taking refuge in the kitchen. However with this plot encapsulated perfectly as Ray hollers that no zombies will touch his East End turf, we know it’s for laughs. Especially with the boy’s grandfather played to Cockney gangster perfection by Alan Ford as the elderly but spritely Ray.

In the nursing home’s kitchen, Ray and his buddies prepare themselves for the coming zombie hordes. This man along with some recognisable faces from British film and telly is not as ‘armless as they seem, as they equip themselves with a wide variety of guns – A collection that John Wick (in either Chapter 1 or 2)  would be proud of (but then in case in cement..)  – and more ammo than your average Jason Statham movie.

But this much underrated horror comedy film is best described as a cross between the British BBC soap EastEnders (1985) with a Guy Ritchie movie, but a macabre twist with the appearance of the undead of East Laandon. Or as the cynical amongst you might call it the lost EastEnders episode you really wanted to see… but with zombies.


About the trailer…

The trailer starts with an eerie, ghostly version of that voice over man building up the suspense, filling you with a dread of what’s to come. That hammed up, iconic voice telling us – with the best dramatically placed pauses, for this spoken introduction – that the East End of London is the setting for this movie.

Adding more ominously that the more famed East End villains – cue silhouettes of some of London’s most infamous bad guys  – are nothing in comparison to the unspeakable horror about to befall their inhabitants. This intercut with the UK’s capital city’s more well-known landmarks and very. Imposing. Font.

Cue zombies. Then men of all ages with a variety of arsenal shooting the East End undead.  And lots of choice Cockney vernacular from Alan Ford’s Ray as he takes control leading the British version of similarly aged The Expendables (2010). Ford appears just as terrifying a character as he was in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) and Snatch (2000).

He barks orders at some recognisable British lovelies, an emergency TV news report follows – as is the norm in these films – explaining the plot. Then we meet the younger – not undead yet – characters also with guns…

This younger cast is headed by Michelle Ryan and Rasmus Hardiker. The former, an one time EastEnders regular playing Zoe Slater and the latter played Danny McBride’s manservant Courtney in Your Highness (2011). And this group of protagonists connected together by Ford in almost an extension of his Guy Ritchie characters as the boys’ granddad.

His band of the British National Treasures including a one time Bond Girl (Honor Blackman), some more random British comedy actors Richard Briers and Dudley Sutton (with this sidekick of Lovejoy (1986-94) seen using random comic Cockney Slang) and a helluva lot of ammo. The film also features some more random London sights and props. As these two groups dispatch the walking East end dead using headshots, leg shots and more.

All that’s missing in the plot and trailer is a cameo of some of Ryan’s EastEnders on set companions but in zombie form. In her part as Zoe in this soap, one scene always comes to mind. Probably needing no build up or introduction for hardened fans of the soap, I remember Ryan’s scenes where’s Zoe’s parentage was revealed in truly dramatic fashion. As her big sister, Kat was revealed to be Zoe’s true mother.

If this film shot was interwoven with this Eastenders plot, wouldn’t it be fun if Ryan as Zoe guns down Kat? Kat cries “But I’m your muuuuuuuuuuver”.  (As Kat did in that scene, in that wonderful moment in the soap) before receiving a headshot, her slumping headless body on top of a pile of British EastEnder favourites including Zoe’s father Uncle ‘Arry. At which point Ryan’s character says I know in a knowing way. And as she turns and walks away, it cues that infamous Eastenders end of show drum roll. And the credits roll.


Tune in next week or CLICK HERE to read Thoughts All Sorts review.  




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